twntyfive

The past can never be erased. Sure, it can somewhat fade and the pain is no longer visible, but there will always be a scar. Lately in class, we've been studying Buddhism. Our teacher continuously asks us a question that none of us have the guts or reason to answer; "Which is greater, joy or suffering?" Most answers are evasive, but my answer is that joy is greater, but the pain and feeling of suffering will never fade. It will always be remembered, it will always be virtually felt. I will always remember the pain I felt three years ago and this GIF ^ sums up all my feelings. It hurts and I don't ever want to feel that way again. I really get so scared sometimes of re-feeling that way. Feeling so broken, feeling so vulnerable like nothing could ever fix me. It's funny how it's been three years, which means that I'm three years older than I was, but even then, I don't think I'm any stronger than I was. In fact, I might even be weaker. Weaker because our relationship is longer now, it's no longer a half a year feeling. Half a year, yes there were a lot of memories made, a lot of feelings created, but now it's three years! That's so many more times than 6 months. I know that I shouldn't live like this, I shouldn't continuously think and fear about being hurt again. And here I am....