So it's day 2 of the end of the past 8-9 months. No doubt that it was so difficult for me in the beginning, but now I'm okay. Much much better than yesterday anyway.
Let's reflect.
I don't regret this relationship, but I think I do regret the things I did or the way that I wanted things to turn out. But I can say that I truly tried my best, worked my hardest, and did my part in this love. Honestly, I knew it was coming because in the last few days, break up was constantly in my head. However, the actual day, June 24th, I actually had hope again. Recently I've been asking God to unfold His will; to show me where to go, how my life's going to turn out, what decisions to make. And because of that, I believe that what happened is meant to happen.
But of course, I can say without any hesitation at all that I miss you. I don't miss how we were this past month, with all the drifting and all, but I miss the old us. I miss how we use to talk non-stop about the randomest things, how we use to make jokes and laugh at each other, how we were able to tell each other how we felt, how you always spoiled me with my favorite kisses on the cheek, how you drove all the way to SF from Millbrae to be with me, how we use to webcam everyday, how we use to text and not run out of things to say, how you would IM me the second you got on or the second I got online, how I believed you every time you told me you loved me, how it was obvious how much you cared about me, how you use to feed me with what I craved, how I was the person you thought about when you laid in bed, when I wasn't the only one fighting, when actions showed me how much you cared rather than all the words you gave me.
This isn't going to be easy and it's not going to be fast. I don't know when I'm going to be over you because you have honestly been everything to me for the past 8-9 months. You were my priority and someone I really cared for. I think it's true what they say though..
"For some, they think that letting go is one way of expressing how much you love the person. Most relationships tend to fail. Not because the absence of love. Love is always present. It's just that one was being loved too much and the other wasn't being loved enough."
Anyway, I'm really not ready for a friendship yet, I'm not ready to be all happy happy yet. Maybe I'm bitter? Maybe I'm frustrated? Maybe I'm sad and teary? Maybe I'm heartbroken? I think so.
Call me stupid but I can't seem to delete our pictures on Facebook. I couldn't even cancel the "relationship status" until this morning. I know that it'd be easier to move on if I face reality and just delete everything that's our story. And if you want to know the truth, I think it's because part of me still has hope that things will work out and we'll be together again. Yes, I need to be real. I need to face reality and stop thinking about the "what-if"'s.
What am I going to do with the 8-9 months of feelings? Can I just dump them in the trashcan? Oh it would be so easy if that was possible. Everything around me reminds me of you. Disney channel. I can't even see the Princess Protection Program commercial and it's premiering tonight. Piglet but I can't seem to put him away. Even the street around the corner of my house reminds me of how you came to surprise me on June 10th.
Remember how we were suppose to go to Disneyland? How you wanted to go snowboarding with me so you could see me fall? All the movies we were going to watch together? The basketball games and baseball games? Remember all the plans we made? All the promises?
I miss you. A lot.
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