twntyfive

So here I am...sitting in my room with only my desk light and bed light on. Let's not sugar coat this: I'm very unhappy. Even though I hate feeling this way, it seems as if I deserve it, I don't deserve to be happy. At all. At least not until I prove myself to be worthy of happiness. I can't even find a legitimate reason for myself to complain about what's happening to me right now. I deserve it. I deserve all of it.

What else do I feel? Insecurity.
Because it's now obviously that you won't be here for me no matter what happens.
And yes, I know that I don't deserve to have support no matter what, but...so now what? I'm pressured to do well or else I lose you?
In a way, I'm thankful for this sort of pressure, maybe it'll be good for me.
But in another way, this pressure is showing me that if I don't succeed in the terms that you have given me, I lose.

But hey, I did this all to myself. Who can I blame?
I feel like shit right now but there's really nothing I can do or say anymore. Only time will tell.

I kind of regret asking, practically pleading, you to not give up on me, to keep encouraging me.
You should have been able to choose whether or not you want to.

Anyway, I've deactivated Facebook.
I know it's a small thing but small steps.
I really feel like shit.
I want to tell him what I'm feeling and everything that is on my heart, but I'm scared that will only make it worse.


But then who else can I talk to?

Dear God,
Help me.